When I is seven or eight years old, my personal mother launched the door to the basements stairs and discovered myself sitting on the top action. Ita€™s ambiguous just how long Ia€™d been there, however it have been some time. I found myself hunched over a vintage tape recorder, hearing Jim Crocea€™s a€?Ia€™ll need to Say a€?i enjoy Youa€™ in a Song.a€?
Alone. On duplicate. At night.
Ia€™m pretty sure as I was seven I didna€™t see any genuine ladies. Even when i did so it actually was possibly a bit at the beginning of lifestyle to musically shed the L keyword. But I remember liking just how that song helped me feela€”heavy, deep, strong the inside. I became an additional world, one inside myself that felt bigger plus colorful than actual life, in which click resources some body got hooked an electric powered cable to my personal spirit and smack the juice.
My personal mothers didna€™t realize about the Enneagram in 1989. Should they have, it could have already been quite clear in their eyes the thing that was up: I happened to be a Four.
The Sad-Happy Profound Life of an Enneagram Four
Enneagram Fours tend to be known as a€?the Individualista€? sort, or a€?the Romantic.a€? They see themselves as unique, owners of brilliant and expressive psychological lives, as they are typically abnormally interested in (and competent in) the arts. Fours feel like they were created lost some thing inside them which makes them fundamentally distinctive from people. Thus, Fours develop a self-image grounded on becoming different, hoping that people will notice their unique individuality and affirm them. The quintessential flick Four is actually John Cusacka€™s personality in proclaim Anything.
When healthier, Fours is creative, sincere, empathetic, passionate, and authentic. Whenever poor, they may be very delicate, self-pitying, psychologically self-destructive, and prone to envy. Despite health, virtually all Fours nurse moody streaks as they are abnormally drawn to the bittersweetness of lifestyle. Her leading offer could possibly be this bit of dialogue from medical practitioner Exactly who: a€?Whata€™s great about sad?a€? a€?Ita€™s delighted, for strong someone.a€?
Feeling Like an Outsider
Two knowledge appear to be common to all the Fours: (1) the feeling to be a misunderstood outsider, of not necessarily that belong everywhere, and (2) deep pity at their particular observed insignificance.
The most important feel, particularly, is within various ways the basis on the Foursa€™ main sin, which will be jealousy. Ia€™ve usually battled the feeling to be a€?out of placea€? anywhere Ia€™ve come. For some of my personal youth and very early adult decades, we felt like my personal nostrils had been pressed against the windows of lifestyle, watching self-confident, protected, at-ease peers which actually have this lifestyle thing nailed in a manner i did sona€™t. Without doubt they didna€™t have the means used to do, I thought, and I also pondered the things they have around that I found myself lost.
Instance: I remember coming residence from fifth level and telling my personal moms and dads that a€?everyone within my lessons hates me personally.a€? This, despite these unbiased details: among my most readily useful area contacts has also been in my own class, I became doing alarmingly constant businesses in party attendance, as soon as we acquired the school geography bee a classmate hand-drew me personally some first-place medallion. Like a lot of Fours, my perceptions about easily belong or fit in somewhere are often wildly, nearly comically, distorted.
This assessment games constantly, inevitably, causes envy. C. S. Lewis provides a popular essay in which the guy covers the dangers of a€?the interior ringa€?a€”exclusive social groups that one hungers to belong. Fours include adept at seeing internal bandsa€”both genuine and imaginarya€”everywhere in daily life, and guess which side of the range they think theya€™re on.